The Inescapable Fact that I am Semi-Retarded

I was passing along some of my less-than-stellar advice to my daughter today,in an attempt to,apparrantly,keep her swimming in misinformation.Her question concerned errors,the pitfalls of life we should avoid.She has such an active mind,always processing.She has no idle and she won't rest until there is a definitive and scientifically proven answer.'Because I said so' simply won't do.Her question was,"How do grown-ups make mistakes?Ya'll are 'sposed to know everything"."Everyone makes mistakes,my rosy cheeked child."I replied,"What you learn as you get older is to never make the same mistake twice".
I paused for what seemed like an eternity...........I had just told my daughter a whale of a lie.My life is a how-to manual on repeating acts of utter incompetence.I'm the idiot who uses both hands to see if the stove's hot.I revel in poor decisions,I am the patron saint of screwups,I am......semi-retarded.
Been that way all my life,but sadly,it's a gene that grows more aggressive with age.I am,I regret to say,a broken shell of a man.Stupidity has crept up my spine and nested somewhere near my brain stem.Today,I shit you not,I licked my fingers before twisting the strands on a live wire.It was an electric bed,could've just unplugged it.No..........that aint how I roll these days.I'm what they call "wait & watch dumb".
Not that it matters,but I blame women.Damned venomous hellspawn.Think about it,we were all fairly bright until the age of 12 or so.Oh not atom-splitting smart,but competent at least.Then..............THEY developed.I have charted my rise in stupidity and it starts when an unnamed classmate,we'll call her Katie Mae Quickngood,first developed breasts.It spiked in high school and has been on a steady rise since.Only our friends in the gay community are immune,and I'm sure they have issues of their own.
Anyway,to make a short story long,I distracted her with mexican food and told her I was a genius.Apparantly,we're put here to lie to our kids.....................she'll be okay,by the way,cuz she's a she.

Kiss 'Em Good,Love 'Em Much,
SSS

My Perfect Angel

My daughter is asleep;perfect and innocent rest.Guiltless and without sin,she is unaware and unafraid of the world around her.She cannot conceive of anything but the very best in people.She doesn't see color,wealth,status or creed.She doesn't know the difference between incidental and malicious.She understands the basic concept of greed,but not how it consumes you.She believes in a God ready,at any time,to protect the good and smite the bad.She knows no wrong.
My child would swear that the people she loves are flawless.She would contend that her father is perfect.A child's judgement,without life's experience to draw from.All smoke and mirrors,the view from an idealist looking through tinted glass.An uneducated guess.............and so very wrong.
I know that it's selfish and small,as well as a product of my insecurities,but ...I dread the day that she realizes the full extent of my shortcomings.She's six,it won't be long.Until then,I'll love the fact that she's wrong.I'll rejoice in being the apple of her eye.I've no regrets about misleading her in regards to my uber-intellect.Who am I to tell her that I make errors in judgement(every day)?If she thinks I'm sweet............who am I to argue?
I guess the point is;enjoy today,cuz(like my angel),it's perfect.